The 2014 World Cup is fully underway and most of the globe is frenzied with anticipation. I consider myself a casual fan, and I can never correctly predict the results no matter how hard I try. So naturally, I’ve compiled World Cup Power Rankings based on one thing everyone notices: the hair.
Honorable Mention: MexicoNot only should Mexico be on the list for their goalie, Guillermo Ochoa’s heroics against Brazil following their 1-1 Draw, the guy’s got some pretty great hair as well.
Ochoa’s haircut can best be described as a cross between a late 90′s hockey mullet and a Jheri curl advertisement. Ochoa’s talent combined with his outlandish hairstyle is more than enough to give Mexico a well-deserved honorable mention.
A friend told me Switzerland is a dark horse to go far in the World Cup. I have no idea if that’s true, but I am sure that defender Michael Lang’s blonde locks coupled with defender Johan Djourou’s perfect hairline and grimy beard give the Swiss just enough to make the top rankings.
Midfielder Valan Behrami’s frosted tips add a nice boy-band punch to firmly place Switzerland on this list.
9. The Ivory Coast
Arguably, Africa has the best haircuts of any continent in the World Cup, and the Ivory Coast is the first African team to make the list. The team’s hair success is thanks to one man, Gervinho.
Gervinho’s hair is so great, it has its own Twitter account. Thanks to his exceedingly receding hairline, his forehead has also become somewhat of a celebrity, making Gervinho’s hair and forehead an unbeatable World Cup duo.
My pick to win the World Cup is Chile, and my belief is based mostly on their skill and their undying dedication to the game. But, some of their success has got to be in their hair. Midfielder Artura Vidal’s a natural leader in the hair category for Chile.
His nicknames are Gladiator and King Arthur, and his faux-hawk is more symmetrical than the Egyptian Pyramids. Coach Jorge Sampaoli’s bald head, jovial personality, and excitement for pretty much everything is the perfect yin to Vidal’s yang.
Portugal is one of the favorites to win it all in this World Cup, and it’s not all because of Ronaldo. It’s because of the hair! Forward Eder has been plagued by injury the past two years, but that hasn’t stopped him from growing perfectly braided, long locks that The Ivory Coast’s Gervinho would kill for.
Midfielder Paul Meircles adds some depth by completely stealing NBA-star James Harden’s look, while defender Luis Neto has the beard, bowl cut and unibrow to look like NFL-quarterback Joe Flacco’s evil twin.
6. United States of America
Our home team has done us proud in the international spotlight with midfielder Kyle Beckerman’s 9-year-old dreadlocks stealing the show. But, behind Beckerman, the U.S. is really a team of dignified bald men.
Goalie Tim Howard and midfielder Michael Bradley are legends of U.S. Soccer and proud baldies. People forget bald is technically a hairstyle, and it’s enough to get the U.S. comfortably into the sixth spot.
Cameroon is my absolute favorite team that I know nothing about.
What I do know is that they have outstanding jerseys and forward Benjamin Moukandjo’s tiny dreads match many of his teammates’ cuts. I just want to listen to De la Soul while watching Cameroon play. Additional points were added to Cameroon’s score because not only does defender Benoit Assou Ekotto have an excellent and natural afro, he also looks like the happiest guy in the entire world.
France is a heavy-hitter with hairdos, and defender Bacary Sagna is the true hero of France’s hair rankings with his black and blonde braids, which also happen to be perfectly parted down the middle.
Just like the team itself, France has depth with its haircuts. Midfielder Paul Pogba gives Sagna a real challenge for the most outlandish style with his top-only cut with blonde stripes throughout.
Ghana is a team I have a lot of respect for on this list. They play fast, aggressive soccer, and never take dives. Kevin Prince Boateng rocks a dyed-part to the right, and he also brings attitude with the dice he has tattooed on his neck.
Defender John Boye doesn’t disappoint either with his black and blonde mohawk. If you get the chance, watch Ghana’s games and see how their haircuts match perfectly with this boisterous, fun and one-of-a kind team.
Belgium was pretty close to taking the top spot in these power rankings because of their afros.
Midfielders Axel Witsel and Marouane Fellaini have put Belgium on the map with their signature look. Here’s hoping Belgium will go far in this tournament so the world rightfully gets as much camera time with these afros as possible. Belgium isn’t just known for beer anymore!
All hail Brazil, the true kings of the afro. Everything is going their way this year. The world is watching as the games begin throughout Brazil, and the country’s got a pretty great squad this year to boot. But more than that, Brazil’s got some great hair. Brazil doubles Belgium with four players on the team with afros including defenders David Luiz, Marcelo, Dante, and midfielder, Willian.
It’s not just about the afros with Brazil though. Superstar forward Neymar might outdo all the afros with his absolutely absurd haircut. It’s somewhat of a faux hawk combined with spiky…bangs. And you can’t forget about the frosted tips. Honestly, his haircut is nearly impossible to describe. Just check out the photo to truly understand the creation that is Neymar’s hair. With all this hair power, maybe this year the host country can become World Cup champions for the first time since 1998.